Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Drowning in darkness, enveloped by hopelessness. Do you know what that feels like? It feels like nothing. Can you understand how scary nothing is. We live a life in which intellect - socially, academically, emotionally, financially, life-fally - is glorified. We spend so much time thinking about thinking and feeling all there is to feel. But to think of nothing. To feel nothing. What is that.

It's walking around lost and blind and not giving a shit about it at the same time.

Because it's simply too exhausting to bring yourself to care. It's too exhausting to bring yourself to think about the ramifications of not caring.

Because that's acknowledging that there is no greater purpose, which means you will walk the remainder of your days on this earth not caring that you're going in no particular direction, with no particular point.

At least drowning was certain. A sure thing.

So this black grappling fight with nothing. It scares me. Or it should. At the very least, the idea of it scares me.

Which is probably why I'd rather dwell in my memories, painful as they are than to think about... well everything else.

Because at least in my past, I didn't believe that everything I did was for naught.