Hurt away the sleep

Monday, September 03, 2012

The higher you are, the harder the fall.

That's what they said.

I never use to believe them. I would climb up my ladder of hope and dreams and faith, letting everyone know that the Lord will keep me up, believing that with just the right amount or type of faith, that I will never know the feeling of weightless, unending, terrifying free fall.

That's what I thought.

But here we are. Here I am. Falling.

It wasn't even just a slip on the ladder, maybe get caught a couple of rungs down. It was a hard yank, a hard pull down that paper-thin ladder, fabricated with my innermost vulnerabilities, coated with self denial and a faith I thought I could stand on.

 Evidently not.

Was God having a good laugh at me? Was it really that funny to play with my feelings? To give me hope, and dangle it in front of me, only to take it back, and tell me that it's not meant for me?

I curse at the wind.

There's a reason for everything.

They said.

Everything good works together for all those who love Him.

They said.

Well you said that last time. And the time before last. And nothing has changed.

I said.

Don't condescendingly placate me.

I yell.

I deserve better than this.

I cry.

Yes you do. I hear a gentle voice tell me.

You deserve better than this. But. I can't give you something new, if you don't let go of that hurt you're clenching so tightly.

He said.

Lean not on your own understanding. Trust me.

He smiled.

Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so that you know that He is the rock at the bottom. 

They said. 

Let it go. Don't let it block you anymore. Be free. 

They said. 

And I am so tired. 

If time heals all wounds, I want sleep to blur the edges of time and bring me to the age of new beginnings.





4 comments

  1. I will never truly, fully comprehend your suffering. So yes, I understand that what I'm about to say is, well, easy to say, way harder to live.

    Being a Christian, a faithful one, is not about being able to live life without hurt. When you become a Christian, it doesn't mean hurts just disappear.

    If anything, it hurts even more at first. You can't just do the things you want/things that please you. You know this- people avoid inviting me to certain events because they know my stand on things. And heck, I used to get really hurt about that. Sometimes I still do.

    But I don't think it's about whether you get hurt or not. You're bound to get hurt, Christian or not. But for us, it's the ability to recognize and hope, that one day, all of this hurt- all of this suffering- all of this pain- one day, it all won't matter. For now, it'll hurt. But one day in heaven, we will see that they were nothing compared to God's glory and love.

    So I think for now, it's okay to hurt. It's okay to tell God that you hurt. But don't let that be the end of it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yeah I know. But it still hurts all the same. God has somewhat assured me that there is a reason for it. Sometimes the pain that we go through, the hurt and the trials, all lead up to a calling, a higher purpose. I understand all that.
    But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I didn't have that calling. I don't want it. I want to be selfish. Don't break my heart for what breaks His.

    But I get it. I do tell Him that I'm hurt. Hahah. So many times. But don't worry, I know its not the end. Thanks though. =]

    ReplyDelete


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  4. This was beautifully written and it touched me deeply. Needed to read this tonight. Thank you & keep holding on to the Rock that never fails.

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