Conversations lying in my head

Thursday, December 01, 2011

"So, what's your story?" I ask into the silence. It wasn't an awkward silence. Just a, silence.

"What do you mean?" he tilted his head, pondering the nature of my question.

"Well, everyone has a story. Where they come from, where they were born, what they want, who they are." I explained.

He tried to follow.

"Okay. So I'll start first. With my story." I smiled at him. His face tilted, the slightest hint of relief.

"Okay." He said gamely.

Okay, I replied in my head. Wondering where to begin. How does one start one's own life story anyway? From right now.

"So I'm a in-between kind of girl." I had no idea what that meant as it stumbled out of my mouth.

"Sorry, what?" He asked. Confused. As am I.

"I am an in-between kind of girl," I repeated again, slowly, ideas and reasons forming as I started to warm up to an explanation. "I'm neither here nor there. I'm Malaysian, born in Papua New Guinea, and went to school in Australia. In short, I don't really belong anywhere." I shrug, realizing the truth as I said it.

"I finished high school a year ago, and I desperately want to go college, but right now," I look up at the mountains of boxes we're wedged in between, "I'm stuck in the middle with nowhere to go."

He laughed appreciatively.

I ploughed on. "It's the same with work. I work here weekends, at my old school weekdays, and Kumon every other time in between." I recite this, knowing full well how crazy my schedule is now. I chose it this way. For two main reasons. Subconciously. Or conciously. Because I need the extra ka ching, and also, because I need to extra busyness to occupy my mind from, thinking.

But it was not until I confessed this to a stranger; albeit a familiar, safe looking stranger (but kids, you never know. So don't try this at home), that I realized that by choosing this path, I'm also choosing to forsake my current relationships; friends and family alike.

But sometimes. Honestly. I need a break. People drive me crazy.

"What about guys. Are you torn between two too?" He spoke out, jolting me out of my reverie. I looked up and he was smiling at me, almost laughing.

I broke out laughing, "if only you knew man." Was all I said. He didn't push. Thanks for understanding.

"So yeah, I'm an in-between sort of girl. Everywhere and nowhere. Feeling everything but never changing, never moving," I shrug.

"Well. You're here." He said.

I looked at him. Blankly.

"You're not, nowhere. You're right here. We might be in the middle of nowhere," he gestured to the tall stacks of boxes, "but that's just because you don't get to see the bigger picture yet. After awhile, this middle of nowhere will become something bigger than even the both of us. All you got to do is work through it. And enjoy the moments of joy as you get there."

"I think this is the point of the conversation where I inject something totally profound like, enjoy and live each day of your life to the fullest because you only ever have one life."

I smacked him.

And that was that.

Because being right smack in the middle is better than facing the end or having to start over from the beginning.
Because we spend too much time wishing for the good times and not enough loving - living - the good times when it comes.
Because I know He's in control, and the middle is exactly where He wants me to be.


When we look at ourselves, we see flaws. When God looks at us, He sees Jesus