That's what they said.
I never use to believe them. I would climb up my ladder of hope and dreams and faith, letting everyone know that the Lord will keep me up, believing that with just the right amount or type of faith, that I will never know the feeling of weightless, unending, terrifying free fall.
That's what I thought.
But here we are. Here I am. Falling.
It wasn't even just a slip on the ladder, maybe get caught a couple of rungs down. It was a hard yank, a hard pull down that paper-thin ladder, fabricated with my innermost vulnerabilities, coated with self denial and a faith I thought I could stand on.
Evidently not.
Was God having a good laugh at me? Was it really that funny to play with my feelings? To give me hope, and dangle it in front of me, only to take it back, and tell me that it's not meant for me?
I curse at the wind.
There's a reason for everything.
They said.
Everything good works together for all those who love Him.
They said.
Well you said that last time. And the time before last. And nothing has changed.
I said.
Don't condescendingly placate me.
I yell.
I deserve better than this.
I cry.
Yes you do. I hear a gentle voice tell me.
You deserve better than this. But. I can't give you something new, if you don't let go of that hurt you're clenching so tightly.
He said.
Lean not on your own understanding. Trust me.
He smiled.
Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so that you know that He is the rock at the bottom.
They said.
Let it go. Don't let it block you anymore. Be free.
They said.
And I am so tired.
If time heals all wounds, I want sleep to blur the edges of time and bring me to the age of new beginnings.
